Bright and early on the morning of June 15, 1987 my parents drove me to the hospital in order for me to have eye surgery--again, on just the right eye. This would be operation number three and the reason why nothing was ever done to my left eye is because I never had any vision or problems.
This surgery was supposed to bring back my sight, which I lost a few months prior to the surgery. Since I had had this procedure twice before, I was not looking forward to it. It did not matter to me that my vision had returned following the operation; all that I was concerned about at the time was the pain. Having gone through this twice already I was terrified of what I would feel after waking up. When I did wake up, my worst fears had been confirmed, the pain was a sharp stabbing pain that seemed as if it would never end! I woke up from the operation screaming because the pain was too much for my eight-year-old body to handle. Along with the anguish of the pain, there was something different about this surgery. It made my eye feel as if there was something in it ... like an eyelash. No matter what I did, the feeling would not go away. I do not remember having that sensation after the other two operations.
It would not be long before I would learn that the surgery had not worked. In December of that same year I found out the awful truth, there was just too much damage done to my eye for the doctors to be able to repair. Even going to see a specialist was not going to help my situation. Shortly thereafter I made the decision that never again would I have eye surgery of any type unless there was the possibility of getting some of my vision back.
Thirteen years later, I am faced with the difficult choice of whether or not to have eye surgery yet again.
Deciding to have the surgery has been the most difficult task I have faced because the decision is all mine. When I was a little girl the decision to have surgery was never my responsibility--it was always made for me. But now the only person who can choose for me is I. I do not know what the right course of action is because the operation will only work for a few years at most. The reason for this particular operation is that my eyes have deteriorated because of not having any vision. Calcium deposits have developed and sometimes bits flake off. My eyes often feel like something is in them. The only way to get rid of them is by scraping them.
Unfortunately, this is only a temporary solution and will have to be done again within two to three years. Do I really want to put myself through that kind of hell? The worst part about this whole ordeal is that it will do absolutely nothing to help me get back my sight! The only thing it will do is make my eyes feel as if there is nothing in them anymore. Again, I ask myself if it is worth it for me to have the surgery or if I can live with not going through this painful but possibly helpful procedure, at least for a time.
When I first learned that surgery was my only option for some kind of relief from the sometimes-unbearable scratchy feeling, I immediately became terrified. I did not no what to do, I asked my parents for their opinions, but all they would say was, "Malaina, it's up to you. What ever you decide, you're the one who has to live with the problem." Those comments only served to increase my confusion! If the operation does not work I am stuck. If I choose not to go through with it, my eyes will only get worse as time goes on. I feel as if I am in a no-win situation and I do not have a clue about what is the right decision. How can I make a choice of this nature when the very thought of surgery makes me sick?
For the next few days after learning of my predicament, I could not think or concentrate about anything else but what would happen if I went along with it or what would happen if I did not. It occupied my thoughts day and night. My schoolwork began to suffer because I was unable to concentrate. I kept going back and forth between wanting to have the operation and not wanting it. I hated the fact that this was my choice. I wanted so desperately to have my parents decide for me, but I knew it would never happen. Even as I sit here typing my story I wonder if I should go through with it or just leave it till the pain becomes so unbearable that I will be happy to have it done. I simply do not know what to do.
Finally, after much soul searching, I was able to render my verdict. It was not an easy one. Approximately, a week after talking to the doctor, I came to a final conclusion--and no matter what, I knew changing my mind was not an option, because if I changed my mind nothing would ever be resolved. My conclusion was to opt for the operation and to just do it and be done with it. I made my final decision a few weeks ago during my 12-30 English class. My left eye was bothering me so much and putting in eye drops did not work. I actually left my class for a few moments because the scratchy sensation was more than I could handle. Not that leaving class helped any, but I thought maybe if I could put some water in it that might do the trick. I had made up my mind then and there, For better or worse, I was going through with the surgery. Even though I do not really want to, perhaps I can have a few years without my eyes bothering me.
Like my friends have told me, if I so chose I will never have to have it again. By choosing to have it I will no longer wonder if it would have been successful because I will already no. The surgery is set for May 25, 2000, almost 13 years after my third and what I thought to be my final operation. It just goes to show how unpredictable life can be.
Throughout all my fears concerning my up and coming operation once it is over I will have my answer about whether or not I did the right thing. To say that I am completely okay with my choice would be a lie because I am still afraid of the unknown. I know my fears will not be put to rest until the day of my surgery. However, I can honestly say that I am happy with the fact that once this takes place the wondering I have will vanish and that is a great weight off my mind.