The following posts appeared on the ROP list in response to questions about whether staying home with children with ROP is a good idea. The ROP list was moderated by Dr. Scott Richards until August, 2002. The list has closed now. For more information about lists of interest to people with visual impairments, please visit the email list index.
Date: October 21, 1998
From: Jeanie Flowers
I feel compelled to add my two cents to the discussion regarding staying at home vs. going back to work.
I feel very strongly about this, as apparently do others on the opposite side of the discussion, so if I get someone^Òs back up I guess that's just the way it goes.
For myself, from the moment I learned I was pregnant I knew my life would never be the same. I had friends who were fond of promoting the idea that life with a baby could be much the same - people telling me all I had to do was throw the baby in a gerry pack and carry on as before. (These people, by the way, were themselves childless and therefore clueless!) But when Rachel was born weighing only one pound five ounces, breathing and eating through tubes, and looking like a shriveled up old woman, needless to say, everything in my life changed. At the age of 3 months, literally on the eve of her homecoming, she was diagnosed with rop stage IV. Ultimately she lost her sight in spite of the heroic efforts of some of the finest eye surgeons in the country.
At the time I became pregnant, I was in the final stages of my Master's degree. Rachel is going to be five years old this December, and I still have not finished my thesis. Fortunately, my professors are aware of my situation, and they respect the fact that Rachel is the number one priority in my life. That is what it boils down to. Rachel was an infant only once. She was a toddler only once. She will be a pre-schooler only once. These are the years she needs me most, and I intend to do my very best to be a mommy to her during these years. Once she is in a school program where she is away from the house for more than a couple of hours at a time, then I can get back to my own life - I have plenty of time left! When you look at the big picture, what are a few years in your career compared to your child^Òs entire life? You are 28 years old, so you are still young. In spite of what you may be thinking, you have your entire life ahead of you.
Being a stay-at-home mom does not necessarily mean staying at home every day, 24 hours a day. And your life can be resumed in stages, too. Toward the end of my pregnancy, I had to stop performing in my band (I was just too sick all the time and didn't really want to be throwing up on stage). Dan and I started performing as a duo in coffee houses when Rachel was a year old. It gave us a creative release, and we were only gone for a few hours at a time. We now have a band again, and Rachel comes with us to rehearsals and sometimes to performances if we are not playing too late. Sometimes grandma and grandpa come to our gigs and watch Rachel there. We became involved in a church and play and sing on the worship team. Rachel always comes with us to rehearsals, and sits with the sound technicians while we are performing during church, then I take her to Sunday School. I have a life. I play the guitar and the piano. I still write songs. I help Rachel with her piano exercises and little craft projects we find. Being a stay-at-home mom is only boring if you allow it to be boring.
If you feel as if you are not spending enough time with Joshua, listen to your heart. Now is the time he needs you most. Trust me, when you look back on your life, you will not feel this was a sacrifice. I must disagree most strongly with Brenda^Òs statement: "As much as we all love our children, we do not owe them our existence as people. That is too much of a sacrifice. You were put on this earth to be who you are, don't compromise." I say, we DO owe them our existence, and it is NOT too much of a sacrifice. We brought them into the world, and they depend upon us to be their primary teachers and nurturers. This is the example I hope to set for Rachel during this stage of her life - that nurturing, caring, and putting others before ourselves are virtues she may wish to emulate as she matures. I can set the example of working and forging my career after she is in school and is less needful of my time. It is not acceptable to me to have others raise my child during her most formative years, instilling THEIR values rather than mine and her father's. And as far as being put on this earth to be who you are, YOU ARE JOSHUA'S MOTHER. Be who you are. Listen to your heart.
Jeanie - wife of Dan (legally blind), and mother of Rachel (25 week ex-preemie blind due to rop); both musical geniuses and the loves of my life!
Date: October 22, 1998
From: Jeanie Flowers
Thanks, Pranav. I know that I came on pretty strong in my previous post, and I certainly understand that there are circumstances that sometimes do not allow a mom to stay at home, whether she wants to or not. Particularly I refer to the mom whose husband chose to find a new profession rather than continue to risk his life! (Sorry, the mailbox got too full and I no longer have the post. My apologies.) No paycheck, no matter how lucrative, is worth one^Òs life, and kids need a dad more than they need ^Óstuff.^Ô In my estimate, the mother^Òs decision to seek employment was made with the children in mind - the financial need, and the need for medical insurance. This, to me, was a sacrifice on the mother's part and emulates the kind of values that will most certainly be instilled in her children as they learn from her example.
I am sorry if some of you were put off by my previous post, but face it, we have all been through the fire here either as parents of rop kids or dealing with rop ourselves. I felt that I could be frank in expressing my opinion, and if you disagree you are free to be just as frank in expressing yours, short of the blatant insult! Ultimately, we all must follow our own hearts in making our important life decisions - choosing to have children in the first place, choosing how we want to raise them, etc. Decisions don't get much more important than these.